Sex and Pregnancy

Believe it or not, I have had a few people ask me how does one logistically have sex while pregnant.  People don't seem to talk about it, so I figured what the hell?!

This is an accumulation of my readings, and my thoughts on what I have read, NOT what happens in my own bedroom.  I have to skirt around my personal experience as I don't think my husband will appreciate me sharing explicit details.  It's one thing when I talk of my own haemorrhoids, but I am sure he won't appreciate me talking on the interweb of what happens when we get down and dirty.   

For starters:  I can tell you that unless one is told not to have sex while pregnant due to a risk or concern, most pregnant women can safely have sex while pregnant.  One of the first things my family doctor told me when I went to him to confirm I was pregnant was "you can have sex while pregnant, just don't be swinging off the chandelier".  This made me laugh as he is a sweet, kind, old, British gentleman whom I have know my whole life.  

Some pregnant women might lose their sex drive, some might find a super increased sex drive.  Hormones!  No one can explain why or where you will fall. 

Your first trimester you may be way too sleepy and it could result in an "Observe and Report" Anna Faris scene where she is passed out and yelling "don't stop mutha fucka". Try it to see, could be comedy gold.  Your boobs have probably started expanding and they will inevitably hurt, so tread gently, sex may be a booby free act for a couple of months. 

Second trimester, if you are one of those who have an increased sex drive take advantage of your man as much as possible as your third trimester will come and you will at least FEEL like Shamu the whale.  If you have ginormous twins, you may very well LOOK like Shamu too.  This may make you feel self conscious, turn the lights out and enjoy, lol, why deprive yourself?  Plus your boobs have probably stopped hurting and you may be lucky to have a two to three cup increase.  Embrace it!

The bigger you get, the less adventurous you get to be.  Every pregnancy book gives you a list of positions that are "pregnancy safe".  (Safe as in comfortable and balance is considered)  Missionary is out, especially the bigger you get. Keep in mind, you will be super uncomfortable on your back as you may start to pass out.  I know this is big in S&M so if that's your thing then cool, if not, pick a different position.  Balance becomes a huge issue in your second and especially third trimester, so something else to consider.  It's often recommended doggy style, I am always surprised by this as joints can be swollen and sore and you may find there is a big balance issue, but to each their own.  You may be limited  to some side by side position or to girl on top while on the floor or in a bed.  You don't want to be the pregnant couple that ends up in the emergency room with a concussion from a unbalanced sex act.  (They will laugh ath you behind your back ). Sex in a car is going to be severely limited, unless you tackle it in the box of a pick up truck, this will be weather permitting of course.  

We were recommended and I bought my husband this hysterical book for men called "The Dudes' Guide to Pregnancy". It's actually full of facts but delivered in a hysterical "dude" way.  They liken sex with a pregnant woman as "a monkey humping a football, if that football has arms and legs".   I laughed until I thought I would pee myself.  Lol.  

Have you seen a very pregnant woman try to hug someone?  The pregger has to lean forward and sorta down, sticking her butt out the back to get her arms around the person she is trying to hug.   Sex will become very limited in how close you can physically get to your partner.  If you can't carry the laundry basket, you won't be able to get in for a very intimate position.  You may feel you have to wave and yell "hello!" to your partner.  

Oh and if your partner is worried about hitting his unborn child in the head, you have the attractively named "mucus plug" that acts as a barrier, the baby won't see a penis head coming at them.  The kid won't be like "WTF is that?!!?!"  It won't hurt the kid if you have sex either. Some babies can get more active after their mom has an orgasim or they can get sleepy and relaxed. If it gets weird thinking your kid is in the room, turn the light out so neither one of you see the belly.  

Rumour has it you can induce labour in your final weeks of pregnancy, so you may want to verify with your health care provider towards the end to see if you can continue to have sex.  

I hope that answers a few questions.  Lol.  

Gross things and weird shit they don't tell you about being pregnant:

**Guys I would stop reading if I were you.  Things are about to get real about women's parts and pooping.

Women don't poop.

Yes, yes we do.

1.   To start off, I will keep it sort of clean.  Boobs.  (If you are a guy and still reading I promise you this gets gross and weird.  Stop reading or you will never look at boobs the same glorious fun bag way again. )

 "They" warn you that your boobs can grow up to two to three cup sizes while you are pregnant.  The swelling starts soon. For me in the first few weeks, and they hurt.  A  lot.   You brush against a cupboard door and you grab your boobs like you have been stabbed or the cupboard tried to rip them from your body.  You have a cat?  You won't be able to cuddle for your first few months.  Sleeping on your front or sides becomes impossible and don't even think about getting any boobie action from your partner.  The pain goes away in the second trimester, so you both can enjoy your big ta-tas then. And make sure you do so as the third trimester comes quickly and things change again.

"They" don't warn you that as your boobs get ginormous and your belly gets ginormous, which means the boobs start to rub against your belly.  This results in rug burn under your boobs.  Serious open sores.  Not sweat/heat rash. (Or actually I am sure this could happen to a woman, especially in the summer) mine was legit rug burn.  And it's a bitch. This resulted in buying four different types of bras and ended up with me using soft sports bras that squish my now D-cup girls flat down like I am a preteen.  Oh well. No one is looking at my giant squished boobs as my giant belly takes the focus away.

Other boob stuff "they" don't warn you about, Ok, well, "they" technically do but I didn't acknowledge it.  Your boobs can start producing colstrum(milk stuff) as early as 12 weeks pregnant. Typically later in your pregnancy (for me it was much later).  It won't be until you’re in the shower and you’re like "WTF is that?!?!!"  You will go speeding to your book (My pregnancy bible has been "What to Expect When You're Expecting") to verify that this normal.  It is.  Then you will call your Mom to make sure. (My Mom gets about twelve calls a day from me, she's had three babies, and she is my guru) You will whisper horrifically in the phone about how your nipples are no longer your nipples and she will calm you down that its normal, every woman goes through it.  Then you have to warn your partner that your fun bags just kicked into Mommy mode.  It felt incredibly weird for me to share it (which is funny as I talk about poop freely, this just seemed super weird) and your boobs will either lose their sex appeal or they get sexier depending on your partner's er, ah, tastes.   (Youtube to see Jerry Springer type videos of this, CREEPY shit yo.)  You may WILL both be super creeped out, and that’s ok.  Then you will go to a breast feeding clinic and they will tell you how you can express milk BY HAND like you are a cow. I have had ZERO experience/knowledge of breast feeding to this point and for some reason this creeped me out huge. Plus they said they found women can express before the baby comes BUT it can induce labour. You will then be petrified to even wash your boobs in the shower.  (You do though because you don't want to be the smelly pregnant woman)

Your boobs will look weird.  When they start the swelling they will get the super shiny look of a fresh boob job.  I didn't enjoy that.  Then your nipples and surrounding areas get super dark and its odd as for the last 20-30 some odd years they have been the same colour.  Apparently this is so the baby can find them better.  I know, weird right?!?  Plus a baby can smell its mother's milk and knows to head for the nipple.  Watch a video on baby led feeding.  It's wild. 

2.   Poop.  I am warning you, THIS AINT FOR THE WEAK OF HEART. I have IBS and "they" warn you during pregnancy you will be constipated.  Maybe most women are.  But this IBS girl has been constipated only three glorious days of her pregnancy.  The rest have been not constipated. Like total opposite.  If you have IBS, you know what I am talking about. It ain't pretty.  There have been many a days where I used a full role of toilet paper and ended up in the shower to finish cleaning. (For one poop I might add!) I need a badae (sp?) Maybe because I got two kids in there pounding on my intestines.  I don't know. But it definitely ain't part of that "glow" that everyone talks about. 

3.  Hemorrhoids.  See #2.  Constipated or not, you have spent a lot of time on the toilet and gravity is like "sucks to be you bitch".  

4. When "they" say you can't lay on your back, they ain't kidding!  I started to faint during an ultra sound laying on my back. The technician sounded 800miles away and I had to yell "I am fainting!" At least I think I yelled, it's hard to judge sound when everything sounds like you are drowning.  It was alright, she rolled me over in my left side and I was fine. The babies lay on your "inferior vena cava" that is big in your blood flow for transporting oxygen.  Laying on your back won't kill you, your body will prompt you to roll over. The ultra sound was hard as you think you need to lay in your back for them to do their job. Don't worry, they can do most of the ultra sound on your side.  Oh and you will be super embarrassed that you yelled in the poor girl's face and nearly fainted even if she tells you it's ok and happens all the time.

At night you will sleep solely on your side.  The books tell you to sleep on your left but I found it cut my air off.  Must be the way these two kids are positioned. So my right side became my go to.  My added weight and the babies' added weight resulted in excruciating pain in my right hip.  I then favoured my right hip while walking.  This made my left hip hurt a lot.  I was then kept up for long periods of time at night with my hips aching.  This resulted in everyone and their brother telling me that I need sleep.  YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT?!?!?  Thanks geniuses.  I don't want to lay awake all night in pain.  I didn't choose to do so, it just happened.  With my giant beach ball made of lead stomach, rolling over has become an extreme sport, I flail my arms and legs to get momentum, this hurts my hips even more. (After talking with an Occupational therapist, I now have a stretching regime and adjusted my pillows.  Much better to sleep with now.)

5.  You will have lots of swelling. "They" warn you of that.  They warn you your hands could swell and cause carpel tunnel symptoms. "They" aren't kidding. There are some mornings I can't pick anything up with my hands they are so swollen. And if you are able to bend your fingers even slightly, the joints kill.  It's odd.  It can happen. Be prepared. 

6.   "Vaginal Achiness" I feel like "Achiness" is not a real word but they use it in "What to Expect When You're Expecting" I am all for making up my own words, its just weird if a reference book does it.   My babies dropped this past week.  This resulted in ridiculous pressure between my legs. I feel like I have been kicked really fucking hard between my legs.  It hurts.  A LOT.  Maybe I am a pussy, but I do have two in there and they are pushing ten pounds total.  I officially walk like I have rode a horse to the bottom of the Grand Canyon and back.  I have taking to icing my box.  Every step feels like the babies will fall out of my snatch.  I called the doctor's office for this as I just didn't feel like relying on a book that makes up words and the doctor said it's perfectly normal. It's just the pressure of the babies. My Mom said she doesn't recall this happening to her, but as she said she only had one baby at a time, granted we were all big bruisers (8.6, 10.6 <that was me!> and 9.13).  My Momma is a power house!

With Vaginal Achiness don't even think of flailing your legs to roll over. <insert evil laughter> trust me.  You don't realize how much you use your crotch to roll over.  Or to step. Or to step up a stair. Or to get up from the sit position. But you will learn.  Oh yes, you will learn.

Ladies that say they loved being pregnant or miss being pregnant I feel are looking back through rosé coloured glasses.  Unless they got off Scott free, which in that case I say damn you, you lucky bitches!  <shakes fist>.  My favourite part about being pregnant is feeling the babies kick and move.  That part is fun.  Except when they wallop me in the bladder.  That's not fun. 

With all this being said, I can't wait to meet my sweet little babies and for them to grow up and to be able to share ALL OF WHAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH IN PAINSTAKING DETAIL.  Lol. But seriously, I know this is all worth it in the end. 

COUPONS!!!

I post this summary everywhere.  Anytime someone asks me about coupons I refer them to following websites:

I love coupons.  If you know me well, you are aware of my obsession.  (I have been slacking lately, but hope to get back in the swing of things come winter, especially on my pregnancy leave when I will be sitting at home bored before the babies come.) The thing is I am SMALL POTATOES compared to some couponers. Even in Canada, where our coupons aren’t typically as high valued or as frequent as the Americans, some Canadian couponers are scoring some really kick ass deals. Mine are small in comparison. Honestly, couponing is a high for me, when I score an amazing deal or free shit THAT I USE I float through the rest of my day (I am easily pleased). If I ever score absurd amounts of stuff, I hope I can donate it. 

Visit: MrsJanuary.com (my Canadian couponing guru) for all the couponing how to! It’s helpful to follow her on Facebook as well so you can see if there are special coupons posted throughout the day. She has a coupon database as well where she has posted all the links to coupons, including printable coupons.  Every Thursday, she posts “Coupon Match Ups” that matches coupons to sales in flyers, she does the work for you!

***Canadian Sites that mail coupons to you:

Brandsaver.ca
Save.ca
GoCoupons.ca
Websaver.ca

Sign up!!!

*****Store Policies to know: (There are likely more stores then the following, it’s just these are the ones I frequent)

***Accept Printed Coupons:
Walmart, Shoppers Drug, Zellers, Zehrs, No Frills

***Stores who Price Match (PM): <Have to bring a current competitors’ flyer>
Walmart, Zellers, Canadian Tire
(Canadian Tire not only Price Matches but gives you 10% of the difference in Canadian Tire money, it’s written on their buggy returns in the parking lot, I assume in the store as well, but I know it’s on the buggy returns for sure)

*****“Scanning Code of Practice”:
It is against the law for a store to put a sticker or a price on an item and then charge more for it at the till. You as the consumer HAVE to be AWARE of this.

Some stores Participate in the “Scanning Code of Practice” which helps the stores insure that they are giving you the most honest/best service possible. Each store has a slight variation to the name of the practice, but if you get the words “scan, code, practice”, you should be good.

Scanning Code of Practice is as follows:

If an item is $10 or MORE and scans incorrectly, you are to receive $10 OFF the FIRST item. If you have more then one of the same item, you get $10 off the first one and then the remaining are changed to the correct price.

If an item is $10 or LESS and scans incorrectly, you are to receive the FIRST item FREE, yes, FREE. If you have more then one of the same item, you get the first item FREE and the remaining are changed to the correct price.

YOU HAVE TO TELL/REMIND THE CLERK. They will just change the price to the correct price, YOU HAVE TO REMIND them. I like the “Oh, doesn’t this store abide by the Scanning Code of Practice?” If they don’t give it to you, ask politely to speak to the manager. Be POLITE but FIRM!!!

***Stores who practice “Scanning Code of Practice”:

Walmart, Zehrs, No Frills, Canadian Tire
(Walmart has it written on the platform where you are to sign your credit card slip, BESIDE the debit terminal at each cash register.)
(Zehrs has a humongous sign on the wall over the cashier’s heads.)

DO NOT PAY MORE; the stores established these practices in order to give you the best service possible: LEARN IT AND USE IT!!!

Current List of Pet Peeves

This morning marks my first day off on sick leave/pregnancy leave/parental leave.  I am sitting in bed on “light bed rest”, my sore hips and interrupted sleep has me a smidgen grumpy today.  Wallowing in my grumpiness, I started thinking about my pet peeves, and it seemed to irritate me more.  Then I figured I should shake that grumpiness, and the best way I thought was to write out my pet peeves as writing is cathartic.  Take a gander and see if you make it on my annoying list, lol.

1.        Happy Hump day!  I am not referring to the camel.  I actually laugh at the camel on the commercial.  I had a particularly annoying person in my life who felt the need to wish me a Happy Hump Day every Wednesday.  Long before the camel.  As this person is annoying in general, to know to anticipate a “Happy Hump Day” encounter every Wednesday would drive me nuts. 

2.       Being called “Kiddo” by someone seven years older than me.  Especially when I said to them, stop calling me kiddo.  So I started referring to this individual as “old bag” to their face.  This surprisingly didn’t stop them from calling me “kiddo” it did however make me feel a lot better.  (I never said I was mature.)

3.       Canadians who are excited to turn 21.  WTF, we aren’t American.  You can vote at 18 and drink at 19.  Turning 21 here is no big deal.

4.       When a person says “oh she’s ethnic.” Like it’s a bad thing.  Everyone has an ethnic background, pick up a dictionary you ignoramus. 

5.       People who shorten words.  (People's names are ok.)  When I was in high school, there was a market across the road from my school called “Harvest Barn” I would hear people call it the “barn” and I would cringe.  It’s one extra word.  The worst was hearing someone say they were going to “Harv”.  Someone in my life refers to my dog as “Miss. M” Say the dog’s name, its five letters you lazy cunt.

6.       When people squeeze the toothpaste from the centre of the tube.  More specifically when they squeeze the centre and from the edges.  Squeeze from the bottom!  Why is it I always end up with a roommate who squeezes from the middle?!?!

7.       If you ask me the same question 15 times.  I don’t mind people asking questions.  I give about three or four attempts.  Maybe you legitimately forgot, or you didn’t hear the first time.  Fair enough.  But 15 times you are just stupid and I should be allowed to hit you in the head with a stapler.

8.       A countdown.  Or I should say, someone who insists on doing a countdown to my event.  I don’t mind doing my own countdown, but having someone message me daily saying “four months and 6 days till you get married!”  Fuck off, I am excited, but this is my event.  I don’t need a daily reminder.  (I already have one in my head.)  This pet peeve probably stems more from the obnoxious individual, however they made me hate countdowns.

9.       Gum snapping.

10.   People who touch my belly.  (Sorry, I was trying to keep is pregnancy free, but this is a huge pet peeve.)  At least ask beforehand.  And if I gave you permission once, that’s not a free pass forever.  And you better be a friend or a family member, not an acquaintance or a stranger.

11.   Sour cream that expires before we even get a chance to open it, or we used one scoop.  Can’t they make that shit with a longer shelf life?

12.   When I am dead tired and my hands think it’s funny to drop supper on the floor.  This happens far more then it should, and no I do not have the pregnant dropsies.  I drop shit all the time, pregnant or non-pregnant.

13.   When acquaintances make assumptions about me.  Just after I got married, I had a friend come to me and said they heard I was trying to get pregnant.  I was like no, our game plan is to be married a few years to each other beforehand, it always was and that’s what we did.  I asked who she heard this from, the person she named I never talk to.  So I was surprised that this person “knew” so much about my personal life.  Lol.  They were dead wrong.  The sad thing was, my friend seemed sad I hadn’t shared this with her.  I hadn’t shared because it wasn’t the plan at all. 

           Funny spin on this pet peeve, years ago an acquaintance of my Dad’s was telling people that my Dad had died (he’s still alive and kicking today!) So my Dad would be out about and old friends and acquaintances were always coming up to him exclaiming “Oh my god, I heard you were dead!”  My Dad thought it was funny, but geez, get your facts right before you start spreading shit.

14.   When someone lines up behind you at the grocery store with one item and looks at your full buggy.  Go get in the express line.  Don’t expect me to let you jump in front of me, especially if I have already been standing here for ten minutes.

15.   Don’t walk up to a grocery line and start huffing and puffing about the length of the line.  I have already been standing here five minutes and I am keeping quiet.  You’re just making me more annoyed and you may get a canned good thrown at your head.

16.  Shit rubs in toilets.  Be courteous and look back in the toilet when you are done, throw an extra handful of toilet paper in and flush again.  No one wants to see that.  Especially in a public rest room you damned pig.  And if you pee on the seat, wipe the pee off.  Women are disgusting in public rest rooms.  Also, if you have a super loose deuce, flush those shit flakes left behind.  No one wants to see those either. 

Other random pregnancy thoughts:

(I apologize for the influx of pregnancy stuff, I have some thrifty ideas coming down the shoot, that I hope to address once I am officially on my pregnancy leave and bored at home.)

• My husband is awesome.  He likes to clothing shop for the babies.  It’s really cute to watch him hold up these itty bitty sweaters and stare thoughtfully at them.  He then turns and asks me what I think.  He loves old classic patterns and textures; tweeds, plaids, argyles; our kids will be mostly dressed like they are heading out for a fox hunt with the residents of Downton Abbey.  He runs to try and help me with stuff; I am quite independent and have had a hard time adjusting to asking people for help, I try to waddle through my day as if I can still physically do the things I could do before.  He’s right there to grab a box or reach for something high, without me having to ask him for help.  (I always say thank you!) It’s like we are a well oiled machine, he just seems to be at the right place at the right time, and keeping a watchful eye on me; it’s pretty darned cute. 

• I keep asking my husband if I haven’t been too hormonal through out this experience.  He always gives me a funny side on look, insinuating that I have been crazy; however I think he does that for comedic effect.  I know I have had like two crying breakdowns, (hey, I am allowed.)  The one day he asked me why I was crying and I was like ugly sobbing “I’m just so tired.”  Lol.  Funny now, not so funny as it was happening.    

• I may have tried to chase down a young couple in Walmart with brand new baby girl twins, however the one baby started crying and the father sped walked away.  (Maybe he knew he had a crazy stalker trying to “casually” approach them.)  I was dying to ask the Mom how she was doing and any advice for parents with brand new twins. 

• File this under “Weird Shit People Say to Me”:  I was telling someone of the good deal I got at Walmart on these little two piece summery outfits, $3 for a pair of shorts and a t-shirt set.  (Good lord, I love the clearance section in the baby department.) And she was quite hoity in “telling” me “You know you have to be careful and not buy babies too much clothing as they just grow out of it.”  Yes, I know they grow out of clothing fast, but I have to buy them something as the babies can’t go naked until they hit their teens.  And I only bought two outfits, and I bought them on clearance, at Walmart.  It’s not like I was buying Baby Gap or something else ridiculously expensive.  $3 is ridiculously good considering even used clothing stores are more money then that. 

• I am in the very uncomfortable stage, it’s hard to breathe sometimes and it’s hard to eat.  I am constantly trying to “rub” the babies down so I can breathe.  But then they sit so low I am walking like I am bull legged. 
• I tried to sit on the floor the other day.  I managed to get down on my butt, but with my momentum and being top heavy, I accidentally rolled all the way back on my back.  It took me a while to roll back up to the seated position.  My husband may have laughed so hard at me that he had to lean against the wall to keep himself standing. I imagine it must have been pretty funny to see. 
• 
  
• I am hot all of the time.  The first time in my life I am hot 24/7.  And not horny hot, like temperature hot.  I am so grateful to be heading into Winter.  The poor women who have babies in the summer have my deepest sympathies.  

• I am selfish and can’t wait for the babies to arrive, I want to meet them, and I am tired of feeling like a beached whale.  But, I sort of dread when they come out in the world: Kleenex box projectiles, crazy kidnappers, bullies in school, etc.  I know when they are tucked safely in my gigantic belly, they are safe.  I wish I was like a kangaroo and could shove them back into my pouch when we go places so no one can kidnap them or they can't run out in traffic.  I suppose all Mom’s must feel like that to a degree.

• I have a hard time sometimes with how big I am.  I know that I am pregnant, with two kids.  It’s just the last year and a half I worked hard on losing weight and getting into shape.  The funny thing is I was trying to get into shape to start trying to get pregnant.  It’s just hard sometimes thinking about for a year and a half I watched my waist band shrink and now it keeps growing.  I know, I know, I am pregnant, it’s not like I am just getting fat, there are babies in there. 
• 
  
• I have lost my ass.  It's flat as a pancake.  It's like it shifted to my front. 

• Having someone head bang against your colon is the oddest sensation, possibly ever.

• POOP ALERT: Supposedly pregnant women can have constipation throughout their pregnancy.  I have IBS.  This has not been the case for me.  In fact, quite the opposite.  Also, I am taking extra Iron pills as per my doctor’s request, and he warned me it may cause constipation, NOPE.

And back to more positive stuff so people don’t think I am hating this all completely:

• I love when the babies move.  I love when they kick.  Their kicks are getting stronger and they are responding to sounds and noises which is really cool.  The other day I felt the boy jerk when the dog barked.  It’s good for them to hear noises in utero as it apparently gets them used to the sounds when they are born.

• It’s funny when strangers smile at me in the store.  I have been getting this for the last couple of months now, but it still throws me.  I smile back politely thinking “Do I know them?”  (I am really good with faces so this really throws me)  I am now getting better at realizing, they are smiling at my pregnant belly. 

Week 28

Holy sh*tballs, (I am trying to curb my potty mouth as I will soon have two impressionable young'uns running around.)  I have 3.5 weeks left to work!  I was told by the midwives and the doctor to go off at 31 weeks.  I am currently in week 28.  It’s funny how the summer dragged and I felt it would take an eternity to meet my babies but we are now in the home stretch.  Week 28 is the first week of the third trimester! 

The question I get asked the most at this stage is “How are you feeling?”  The answer is now: super tired and gargantuan. 

I have entered my insomnia stage of pregnancy.  I get exactly four hours of sleep and bam! I have to pee and my brain is wide awake.  It doesn’t matter what time I go to bed at, 9pm, 10pm, 1am, four hours later I am up.  It makes for very long days and I feel like a zombie.  I have to laugh when everyone says “this is your time to sleep before the babies comes.”  Yeah, that hasn’t been working out so well.

I feel huge.  Last time I was at the doctors, he measured my belly and then said “I am suppose to take this measurement, but for your case it’s pointless as you have two babies.”  I said, “For curiosity sake, if I were carrying a singleton, what would I be measuring?”  He chuckled and said “You’d be ready to pop.”  So there you have it, I am the size of a full termed, singleton Mom.  The last three weeks I feel like we (the three of us) have all gone through a huge growth spurt.  We are right on track weight wise, the doctor told me he had never seen such perfect sized twins before, they are the text book size of what a singleton should be.  As twins usually run small, he was impressed and told me I am “feeing them well.”  I have to admit that was a feather in my cap. 

Anything I read for twins stresses how important it is for their weight gain, more so then a singleton.  Currently our daughter is 2 pounds and 7 ounces and our son is 2 pounds and 9 ounces.  I had an ultra sound yesterday and that’s their latest weights.  They are nearly bang on, which is also great for twins.  I have an ultra sound every three weeks as they need to monitor that both babies are growing at some what equal weights.  They don’t want me having a 10 pound baby and a two pound baby.   So we are right on track!

So we got the important stuff out of the way, now let’s proceed to the bitching:

I officially had to buy new bras on the weekend.  I have gone up two cup sizes!  (I hope I get to keep them!)  No one tells you that gargantuan boobies rubbing on a gargantuan belly results in rug burn.  Like excruciating rug burn.  What the hell man?  How is that fair?!?!?!

Everyone kept telling me to wait until you have a foot in the rib, they don’t tell you it’s like someone is stabbing you from the inside.  The pressure on a rib is ridiculous.  If you see me out and about with my hand under my boob, I am trying to rub the kids foot down.  (Which also sucks as I have to rub on the rug burn.)

I am swollen.  I can’t wear my rings.  I can’t fit in my shoes.  I saw the ugliest pair of clogs at Joe Fresh and scoffed, who would wear those?!?!  It will be me with my next pay cheque. 

Trying to get up from the laying down position must be comical to watch as I laugh at my own self, there are arms and legs flailing about like a turtle stuck upside down as I try to propel myself over/up. 

I got stuck on the floor for the first time last week, I was in the middle of the foyer with nothing to grab on to hoist myself up.  Luckily my husband was there and is built like Eric the Red, and he took hold of my arm like I was weightless and I was back on my feet in the blink of an eye.  (I didn’t even have to ask, he just helped me up, he’s awesome)

We signed up with a whole whack of baby courses put on by the Region.  Last week we had our first one, the car seat safety course.  I now live in fear of Kleenex box projectiles, if it’s not bolted down, they say to put it in the trunk, and that is where it will be going.

Eghad!  Where did the time go, I will have to post more later!

Summary of my B*tching

Since July, I think I have been asked "Are you excited?!?!?" About 3000 times. Seriously.

I am excited, I just seem to wince now whenever I am asked that question. I feel like I am in Ground Hog day. Then people look all worried or concerned when I grimace and say yes. I am grimacing as the question is so over used, lol. It's worse when the SAME person asks you it everytime they see you, the answer is still yes! Or at the end of the day when you are tired and have heard the question about 40 times already that day. I don't mind variations like "How exciting!" Or "I am so excited for you!" I apologize to any woman I have asked that question to, especially if I have asked it more then once.

 Funny pregnant related thing said to me today by a female acquaintance. (Like my Mom's age) "How does your husband like your new boobs?" Lol.

I hope I get to keep them.  (I know, I know, everyone keeps telling me that they will be empty sacks sagging down to my knees once these kids are done, but I can hope.)

My co-worker was telling me she could see my daughter's head and my son's head while looking at my belly. As she was staring at my belly from the front and I was looking down, we saw my son's head move forward and then back in. It was really crazy. First time I have SEEN my belly move. And it was so funny as it was like he heard us talking about his head and he was like "Yup, here's my head." When I called Paulie at lunch, he stated "That's the creepiest thing ever." Hahahaha.

Righty did a summersault on my bladder, first time I felt one. Incredibly weird. Actually stopped me in mid-step. Either that or the potatoes I ate for dinner last night fused back together and were rolling around in my intestines.

Sneezing while pregnant has become somewhat of an extreme sport due to my little bundles of joys (aka my lil turd bombers) putting pressure on my bladder and my sciatic nerve. While pregnant, if you feel a sneeze and need to go to the bathroom, don't make any stops along the way, go directly to the washroom. Also, you don't realize your butt cheeks are involved in a sneeze until you get locked up mid step from a sneeze. (Hands down worse sciatic nerve seize up to date)

Etiquette for dealing with a pregnant lady: if you insist on touching her belly (at least be courteous and ASK first) do NOT TOUCH the TOP of the stomach near my boobs. It's the most awkward part of people touching my belly. Touch the sides at the mid-section or the very front of the mid-section.

My sciatic nerve is a fucking bitch. If I could kick its ass I would, however I can't lift my foot to even get in the damned car.

 On a more positive note, I LOVE this weather (Chilli for dinner, what!) And I felt Righty all day long today. Up until today, I only felt Righty kick once (it was very forceful) On another bright note, my husband rocks and has the nursery nearly done. (As I am useless, I painted the window frame and one wall's baseboard before my arse seized up so bad, it took me five minutes to get up off the floor. It'll all be worth it in the end, but seriously, I would take morning sickness a thousand times over the sciatic nerve issue.)

Ongoing conversation between me and my two junk food addict tenants:

 Lefty: Hey Mom! Mom! Mom!

 Me: Yes? Stop laying my bladder please.

 Lefty: Mom, know what sounds really good right now? A McDonald’s Big Mac!

 Righty: OOOOOhhhhh, that sounds good! I want one! I want one!

 Me: How do you guys know what a Big Mac is? I haven’t had one in eight years. You weren’t even conceived yet.

 Righty: We remember when we were eggs, hanging out waiting to be dropped.

 Lefty: Yeah, those were good times.

 Me: Guys. I can’t have McDonald’s, they cook with Soya Bean Oil. I am allergic. For reals. Not even pulling the douchey parent thing and lying about it. I could die. (Not actually, its just a mild allergy, but shhh) And you should be thankful as I would be 700 pounds now if I was still able to eat McDonald’s.

 Lefty: Ahhhhh Mom. Come on.

 Me: No.

 Lefty and Righty: PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

 Me: I said NO.

 Righty: No FAIR!!!!

 Me: Both of you, stop kicking my bladder!

 Lefty and Righty: Big Mac! Big Mac! Big Mac!

 Seriously. This conversation happens multiple times a day. Every day.

August 24: Yesterday, I had a giant kick from Righty. I am now guessing what I have been feeling from Lefty is Lefty's hands poking at my side, because this was a full on powerful kick from Righty. Different intensity. Again my first reaction was "What's going on with my intestines. Never felt that before." Then I remembered it was probably one of my tenants using my insides as a trampoline.

 Foods I am looking forward to eating in January:(avoiding for chance of listeria)

Subway Turkey sub (I told Paulie, on the way home from the hospital we are stopping for subs. The veggie sub is alright and ties me over, but I want the meat! That's what she said)

 Prosciutto (wipes drool from chin)

Pepperoni pizza (seriously, what is pizza without pepperoni??!?? Cheesy bread is what it is)

 A hot dog (a good one. BBQ'd or maybe from the Canadian Tire Vendor, dream big, I know)

Which leads to wieners and beans

Any sandwich/deli meat
(If its ready to eat meat, I am to avoid it. apparently I can eat it if its boiled, who the fuck does that?!?!)

Feta cheese. (Normally, I don't give two shits about Feta, but it was on the list, and then that's all I can think about.)

Blue cheese. (Same as feta, bah)

Apparently pregnant women can have problems with their sciatic nerve. I think my left sciatic nerve is acting up. I feel like my butt cheek is seized up and needs a shot of WD40. Let me tell you, these kids are going to regret pissing me off when they are teenagers. I got my rant ready for them:  I had morning sickness for nine months straight, 24 hours a day; I ended up crippled from my sciatic nerve; I was in labour for a week for each or you; when I went into labour, I had to walk to the hospital, both ways, uphill, in a blizzard, with no shoes on. Now do your homework.

Yes. I have twins in my family on my Dad's side.  They are fraternal, they are not identical (identical means identical DNA, it’s not genetically possible to have true “identical” twins that are a boy and a girl.   

July 25 - Yesterday someone told me I didn't look pregnant, just that I was look like I am gaining weight in my stomach area. I feel like I should be insulted by this? When relaying this to my husband, he replied "Why do you keep talking to stupid people? Just do what I do and don't talk to people." Fair enough.

Not complaining about being pregnant. I am beyond excited. Nobody wants to hear about the rainbows and butterflies in my thoughts.

Value Village

I feel like I am admitting to a dirty, little secret: I have been shopping at Value Village (Say it like Va Loo Va Lage, it sounds fancy)  lately … for clothes.   (Funny that no one ever admits to that … )

I have no problem garbage picking or garage sale-ing, but in both of these, I just take household items.  Things I can bleach and scrub.  Used clothing has always been hard for me to wrap my head around.  The hardest thing for me is the fact that I am a germaphobe to a certain degree.  If I can bleach it I will take it, (i.e. a trolley) obviously, coloured clothing items can’t be bleached, so shopping for second hand clothing has always been a bit an odd endeavour for me. 

As I have lost thirty pounds, I have been walking around with the arse of my dress pants dragging down to my knees; not attractive, nor professional.  And let’s be frank, I am on a very tight budget.  I had done a clothing swap last year, which was awesome; free clothes, right up my alley!  (I had no problem wearing my friend’s clothes, as my germaphobe-ness knows my friends are clean people!)  In the interim, I recently started shopping at Value Village.

One fateful day last fall, a friend of me asked me if I wanted to go with her to Value Village, I said sure, as I was bored and had nothing to do.  I wandered through the household section as I normally do.  My friend was digging in the racks of clothes.  I started following her around chatting and as I did, I started to peruse the racks.  I was surprised how new stuff looked.  In some cases, the original store tags were still on some items.  I also really like the prices, $4.99 for a nice shirt, $7.99 for a pair of jeans.  I was hooked!  … Sorta.  I had a hard time the first few times trying clothes on in the dressing room, I just kept hoping and praying the person who owned the items before had washed the items.  (Which they did, I am sure, as all of the clothing smelt good, no funky odours.) 

Since then, I have become quite good at digging through the racks pulling out new items, or nearly new items.  I also have become a HUGE fan of their 50% off Mondays, which seem to happen once every other month.  (If you join their Super Savings email list, you get to go in on the Sunday before hand to beat the traffic!).

Some of my favourite purchases to date:

Alfred Sung Grey Dress - $12.99

Steve Madden Clutch - $3.99

Buffalo Jeans - $12.99.  I paid $9.09 as I had a 30% off coupon. Brand new, never washed or worn, I could tell.  Tags were removed though.)  I looked them up, they are regular $118.

Funky necklace - $3.99 (I get a ton of compliments on this, I love it)

I have yet to purchase shoes.  My germaphobe ways won’t allow it.  You have to stick your bare foot in a used shoe.  (Ladies dress shoes, that is.)  You can’t really scrub a shoe, or throw it in the washing machine.  (I once caught Athlete’s Foot trying on shoes as Winners.  Gross.  And it hurt.  True story.  This added to my germaphobia.)  

Non clothing related: I LOVE my lighthouse candleholder.  $4.99. 

Going out and scouring clearance racks for $20 or $30 pants is not in the cards for me.  I’d rather spend $30 and get two pairs of pants, a sweatshirt and two shirts that are new or nearly new.  

Few tips for shopping at Value Village:

Do not be embarrassed.  Many people shop here.  For some reason, people don’t talk about it much.

Try not to be too germaphoby.  Every clothing article seems to be washed before hand.  I like to think of it this way.  If someone was kind enough to donate an item, they most likely washed it before hand.  Seriously, even the jeans are not all stretched out like they were worn for the day before being discarded.  If your are really germaphoby plan to shower afterwards.  (Really, though the clothing is no different then trying on in a store that sells only new stuff.)

Wear socks.  The change room floors for some reason are really dusty. 

Be prepared to dig.  Everything is well organized, by size and clothing type.  But you have to search through each item.

If you see something you like, buy it then.  The store is only one ofs, so if someone buys it while you sit there hmming and hawing, you will miss out!  Chances are, if you like it, someone else will too. 

Keep in mind all proceeds go to help a charity, often the Canadian Diabetes Association.