Sex and Pregnancy

Believe it or not, I have had a few people ask me how does one logistically have sex while pregnant.  People don't seem to talk about it, so I figured what the hell?!

This is an accumulation of my readings, and my thoughts on what I have read, NOT what happens in my own bedroom.  I have to skirt around my personal experience as I don't think my husband will appreciate me sharing explicit details.  It's one thing when I talk of my own haemorrhoids, but I am sure he won't appreciate me talking on the interweb of what happens when we get down and dirty.   

For starters:  I can tell you that unless one is told not to have sex while pregnant due to a risk or concern, most pregnant women can safely have sex while pregnant.  One of the first things my family doctor told me when I went to him to confirm I was pregnant was "you can have sex while pregnant, just don't be swinging off the chandelier".  This made me laugh as he is a sweet, kind, old, British gentleman whom I have know my whole life.  

Some pregnant women might lose their sex drive, some might find a super increased sex drive.  Hormones!  No one can explain why or where you will fall. 

Your first trimester you may be way too sleepy and it could result in an "Observe and Report" Anna Faris scene where she is passed out and yelling "don't stop mutha fucka". Try it to see, could be comedy gold.  Your boobs have probably started expanding and they will inevitably hurt, so tread gently, sex may be a booby free act for a couple of months. 

Second trimester, if you are one of those who have an increased sex drive take advantage of your man as much as possible as your third trimester will come and you will at least FEEL like Shamu the whale.  If you have ginormous twins, you may very well LOOK like Shamu too.  This may make you feel self conscious, turn the lights out and enjoy, lol, why deprive yourself?  Plus your boobs have probably stopped hurting and you may be lucky to have a two to three cup increase.  Embrace it!

The bigger you get, the less adventurous you get to be.  Every pregnancy book gives you a list of positions that are "pregnancy safe".  (Safe as in comfortable and balance is considered)  Missionary is out, especially the bigger you get. Keep in mind, you will be super uncomfortable on your back as you may start to pass out.  I know this is big in S&M so if that's your thing then cool, if not, pick a different position.  Balance becomes a huge issue in your second and especially third trimester, so something else to consider.  It's often recommended doggy style, I am always surprised by this as joints can be swollen and sore and you may find there is a big balance issue, but to each their own.  You may be limited  to some side by side position or to girl on top while on the floor or in a bed.  You don't want to be the pregnant couple that ends up in the emergency room with a concussion from a unbalanced sex act.  (They will laugh ath you behind your back ). Sex in a car is going to be severely limited, unless you tackle it in the box of a pick up truck, this will be weather permitting of course.  

We were recommended and I bought my husband this hysterical book for men called "The Dudes' Guide to Pregnancy". It's actually full of facts but delivered in a hysterical "dude" way.  They liken sex with a pregnant woman as "a monkey humping a football, if that football has arms and legs".   I laughed until I thought I would pee myself.  Lol.  

Have you seen a very pregnant woman try to hug someone?  The pregger has to lean forward and sorta down, sticking her butt out the back to get her arms around the person she is trying to hug.   Sex will become very limited in how close you can physically get to your partner.  If you can't carry the laundry basket, you won't be able to get in for a very intimate position.  You may feel you have to wave and yell "hello!" to your partner.  

Oh and if your partner is worried about hitting his unborn child in the head, you have the attractively named "mucus plug" that acts as a barrier, the baby won't see a penis head coming at them.  The kid won't be like "WTF is that?!!?!"  It won't hurt the kid if you have sex either. Some babies can get more active after their mom has an orgasim or they can get sleepy and relaxed. If it gets weird thinking your kid is in the room, turn the light out so neither one of you see the belly.  

Rumour has it you can induce labour in your final weeks of pregnancy, so you may want to verify with your health care provider towards the end to see if you can continue to have sex.  

I hope that answers a few questions.  Lol.  

Gross things and weird shit they don't tell you about being pregnant:

**Guys I would stop reading if I were you.  Things are about to get real about women's parts and pooping.

Women don't poop.

Yes, yes we do.

1.   To start off, I will keep it sort of clean.  Boobs.  (If you are a guy and still reading I promise you this gets gross and weird.  Stop reading or you will never look at boobs the same glorious fun bag way again. )

 "They" warn you that your boobs can grow up to two to three cup sizes while you are pregnant.  The swelling starts soon. For me in the first few weeks, and they hurt.  A  lot.   You brush against a cupboard door and you grab your boobs like you have been stabbed or the cupboard tried to rip them from your body.  You have a cat?  You won't be able to cuddle for your first few months.  Sleeping on your front or sides becomes impossible and don't even think about getting any boobie action from your partner.  The pain goes away in the second trimester, so you both can enjoy your big ta-tas then. And make sure you do so as the third trimester comes quickly and things change again.

"They" don't warn you that as your boobs get ginormous and your belly gets ginormous, which means the boobs start to rub against your belly.  This results in rug burn under your boobs.  Serious open sores.  Not sweat/heat rash. (Or actually I am sure this could happen to a woman, especially in the summer) mine was legit rug burn.  And it's a bitch. This resulted in buying four different types of bras and ended up with me using soft sports bras that squish my now D-cup girls flat down like I am a preteen.  Oh well. No one is looking at my giant squished boobs as my giant belly takes the focus away.

Other boob stuff "they" don't warn you about, Ok, well, "they" technically do but I didn't acknowledge it.  Your boobs can start producing colstrum(milk stuff) as early as 12 weeks pregnant. Typically later in your pregnancy (for me it was much later).  It won't be until you’re in the shower and you’re like "WTF is that?!?!!"  You will go speeding to your book (My pregnancy bible has been "What to Expect When You're Expecting") to verify that this normal.  It is.  Then you will call your Mom to make sure. (My Mom gets about twelve calls a day from me, she's had three babies, and she is my guru) You will whisper horrifically in the phone about how your nipples are no longer your nipples and she will calm you down that its normal, every woman goes through it.  Then you have to warn your partner that your fun bags just kicked into Mommy mode.  It felt incredibly weird for me to share it (which is funny as I talk about poop freely, this just seemed super weird) and your boobs will either lose their sex appeal or they get sexier depending on your partner's er, ah, tastes.   (Youtube to see Jerry Springer type videos of this, CREEPY shit yo.)  You may WILL both be super creeped out, and that’s ok.  Then you will go to a breast feeding clinic and they will tell you how you can express milk BY HAND like you are a cow. I have had ZERO experience/knowledge of breast feeding to this point and for some reason this creeped me out huge. Plus they said they found women can express before the baby comes BUT it can induce labour. You will then be petrified to even wash your boobs in the shower.  (You do though because you don't want to be the smelly pregnant woman)

Your boobs will look weird.  When they start the swelling they will get the super shiny look of a fresh boob job.  I didn't enjoy that.  Then your nipples and surrounding areas get super dark and its odd as for the last 20-30 some odd years they have been the same colour.  Apparently this is so the baby can find them better.  I know, weird right?!?  Plus a baby can smell its mother's milk and knows to head for the nipple.  Watch a video on baby led feeding.  It's wild. 

2.   Poop.  I am warning you, THIS AINT FOR THE WEAK OF HEART. I have IBS and "they" warn you during pregnancy you will be constipated.  Maybe most women are.  But this IBS girl has been constipated only three glorious days of her pregnancy.  The rest have been not constipated. Like total opposite.  If you have IBS, you know what I am talking about. It ain't pretty.  There have been many a days where I used a full role of toilet paper and ended up in the shower to finish cleaning. (For one poop I might add!) I need a badae (sp?) Maybe because I got two kids in there pounding on my intestines.  I don't know. But it definitely ain't part of that "glow" that everyone talks about. 

3.  Hemorrhoids.  See #2.  Constipated or not, you have spent a lot of time on the toilet and gravity is like "sucks to be you bitch".  

4. When "they" say you can't lay on your back, they ain't kidding!  I started to faint during an ultra sound laying on my back. The technician sounded 800miles away and I had to yell "I am fainting!" At least I think I yelled, it's hard to judge sound when everything sounds like you are drowning.  It was alright, she rolled me over in my left side and I was fine. The babies lay on your "inferior vena cava" that is big in your blood flow for transporting oxygen.  Laying on your back won't kill you, your body will prompt you to roll over. The ultra sound was hard as you think you need to lay in your back for them to do their job. Don't worry, they can do most of the ultra sound on your side.  Oh and you will be super embarrassed that you yelled in the poor girl's face and nearly fainted even if she tells you it's ok and happens all the time.

At night you will sleep solely on your side.  The books tell you to sleep on your left but I found it cut my air off.  Must be the way these two kids are positioned. So my right side became my go to.  My added weight and the babies' added weight resulted in excruciating pain in my right hip.  I then favoured my right hip while walking.  This made my left hip hurt a lot.  I was then kept up for long periods of time at night with my hips aching.  This resulted in everyone and their brother telling me that I need sleep.  YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT?!?!?  Thanks geniuses.  I don't want to lay awake all night in pain.  I didn't choose to do so, it just happened.  With my giant beach ball made of lead stomach, rolling over has become an extreme sport, I flail my arms and legs to get momentum, this hurts my hips even more. (After talking with an Occupational therapist, I now have a stretching regime and adjusted my pillows.  Much better to sleep with now.)

5.  You will have lots of swelling. "They" warn you of that.  They warn you your hands could swell and cause carpel tunnel symptoms. "They" aren't kidding. There are some mornings I can't pick anything up with my hands they are so swollen. And if you are able to bend your fingers even slightly, the joints kill.  It's odd.  It can happen. Be prepared. 

6.   "Vaginal Achiness" I feel like "Achiness" is not a real word but they use it in "What to Expect When You're Expecting" I am all for making up my own words, its just weird if a reference book does it.   My babies dropped this past week.  This resulted in ridiculous pressure between my legs. I feel like I have been kicked really fucking hard between my legs.  It hurts.  A LOT.  Maybe I am a pussy, but I do have two in there and they are pushing ten pounds total.  I officially walk like I have rode a horse to the bottom of the Grand Canyon and back.  I have taking to icing my box.  Every step feels like the babies will fall out of my snatch.  I called the doctor's office for this as I just didn't feel like relying on a book that makes up words and the doctor said it's perfectly normal. It's just the pressure of the babies. My Mom said she doesn't recall this happening to her, but as she said she only had one baby at a time, granted we were all big bruisers (8.6, 10.6 <that was me!> and 9.13).  My Momma is a power house!

With Vaginal Achiness don't even think of flailing your legs to roll over. <insert evil laughter> trust me.  You don't realize how much you use your crotch to roll over.  Or to step. Or to step up a stair. Or to get up from the sit position. But you will learn.  Oh yes, you will learn.

Ladies that say they loved being pregnant or miss being pregnant I feel are looking back through rosé coloured glasses.  Unless they got off Scott free, which in that case I say damn you, you lucky bitches!  <shakes fist>.  My favourite part about being pregnant is feeling the babies kick and move.  That part is fun.  Except when they wallop me in the bladder.  That's not fun. 

With all this being said, I can't wait to meet my sweet little babies and for them to grow up and to be able to share ALL OF WHAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH IN PAINSTAKING DETAIL.  Lol. But seriously, I know this is all worth it in the end.